Thursday, October 29, 2009

Parody - The Patriotic Ghosts

Published By: All Right Magazine on July 7, 2009


There was some weeks ago a secret meeting between spirited ghosts of the 18th century and hollow shellmen of the present to which a single fly on the wall was there to witness and mentally record. Though this fly was very resourceful, I am sorry to say he has since met his untimely demise, but not before his testimony was circulated on the Internet and then mysteriously taken down. It was quite by accident that I found his story and was intrigued enough to copy and paste it into a file for later perusal. After some contemplation, I have decided to capture and relay words from the said meeting onto paper for a submission of record.

As his story starts out, the spirited ghosts (SG) of the founding fathers were pointing out with satisfaction the wonders of the Constitution and how it has held up through the past couple of centuries. The hollow shells (HS) were noticeably disgruntled at the arrogance of the framers, at which point Noah Webster directed his words, “In the formation of our Constitution the wisdom of all ages is collected – the legislators of antiquity are consulted, as well as the opinions and interests of the millions who are concerned. In short, it is an empire of reason.”

Alexander Hamilton who had been told most eloquently that the current administration was seeking guidance straight from the horses’ mouths took the floor to add, “If it be asked, What is the most sacred duty and the greatest source of our security in a Republic, the answer would be, An inviolable respect for the Constitution and Laws–the first growing out of the last…A sacred respect for the constitutional law is the vital principle, the sustaining energy of a free government.”

George Washington added, “Here here!….The Constitution in its original meaning is the guide which I never would abandon.”

As the other SG’s applauded, the HS’s rolled their eyes upward in disbelief at the utter ignorance of these ghostly squares. Joe Biden was quick to seize the opportunity and blurt out, “It is dangerous to shove the Constitution down anyone’s throat.” He was about to continue when Obama stood up, and all eyes turned to him as he began to speak:

“What Joe means is that in avoiding the dangerous possibilities of the Constitution, I vow to guard the liberty that the Constitution and laws guarantee to everyone in this country. Our priority now is to protect against unlawful discrimination and extend rights to segments of the population that have traditionally been denied their rights.” He hesitated a moment and then waved toward his VP, “Now Joe, you may continue…if you would.”

“Thank you, Mr. America, for that clarification. As you know, Indians today work at convenience stores and donut shops. To help this situation, we need to repair bridges and bring down energy costs.” Then with a knowing smile, he added, “And should that not work as predicted and the stock market crash, perhaps we can then summon the ghost of FDR to recreate the mood of 1929 when he addressed the nation on television.”

The SG’s silently looked at Biden in confusion while Obama stood once again to gloss over the words of his VP, “In his enthusiasm and great compassion, Sheriff Joe has gotten carried away, so let me interject that I am not unsympathetic to your position that the original understanding of the Constitution must be followed. I see you are fixed in the fundamental faith that if we remain true to the original understanding of the Constitution without question or deviation, then we will be rewarded and all good will flow.”

Having recovered from his initial surprise, John Adams explained that respect for the Constitution does not guarantee that all good will flow but that adhering to intentions of the Constitution protects the democratic decision-making authority that it provides. “Let me remind you that the Constitution as is allows for change but changes are not to be made willy-nilly with each administration. The ability to pursue different courses can be made through democratic processes. Since we could long ago foresee our legislators were bound to make mistakes, mechanisms are in place for citizens to not only influence them, but to replace them.”

Obama shrugged his shoulders and continued, “It is encumbent upon us as leaders to make decisions. We must remember the people cannot understand the reasonings entailed behind a decision and do not always render what is good for them. I am a constitutional scholar but don’t take my word for it. You could ask my good friend and expert on the Constitution Justice Breyer who will tell you the Constitution is not static but is a living document and must be read in the context of an ever-changing world.”

Once again Adams stood up saying that anyone knows this is an ever-changing world and that the Constitution must be read with context of the current situation being analyzed. He continued, “It is, however, in any situation illegitimate for judges to alter the Constitution’s meaning. They do not have authority to impose their own wishes based on their own prejudices upon the people.”

Obama calculated a congenial smile as he replied, “The point I’m trying to make is that we must keep up with changing times. We must balance the Constitution with necessity of the moment. Today the Constitution needs to be interpreted by somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom. The empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor, or African-American, or gay, or disabled, or old. With all due respect, you people of yesteryear cannot possibly understand about such hardships.”

Justice Ginsberg cleared her throat as she stood. “Surely, Mr. Adams, you cannot expect us to look at the Constitution as a document essentially frozen in time nor rely on 18th century understandings forever. Sometimes the Constitution is virtually useless in making a correct decision, and justices have no choice but to change it. This requires us to overstep the boundaries set by the Constitution. Since American jurisprudence doesn’t have all the answers, foreign laws give us the inspiration we need. Europeans do not all have the same values as Americans and therefore offer a fresh approach as our own voters often get things wrong on certain cultural issues.”

Sotomayor took the opportunity to quickly interject, “There is such a thing as judicial activism to fit current beliefs, but I understand I am to interpret laws, not make them (giggle). If I am called upon to bend or twist the law to shape an agenda, I feel I am up to the task. In order to progress in today’s climate, we must unshackle the government from constitutional restraints.”

Adams turned to George Washington with a look of dismay. In carefully weighed words, Mr. Washington calmly replied, “The basis of our political system is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitution of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, ’til changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole People, is sacredly obligatory upon all.”

Obama was perturbed by the ignorance of these men who kept saying no to any new idea, but he knew his magical charm and great wit would be enough to win them over. “Flowery words do not a garden make. The shallow rhetoric upon which a kingdom stands shall not strengthen but shall instead weaken the foundation until it crumbles and then we all will suffer. We don’t want that to happen, so we must all pull together in hope and unity until this theory becomes reality. I believe we must rise above divisive politics and act in the interests of our national and economic security. This can only be fixed by putting politics aside and offering a solution that strengthens our security while reaffirming our heritage as a nation of immigrants.”

Adams ignored the gibberish and pressed on, hoping someone’s head had enough energy to support a light, “Preventing enforcement of one’s opinion on others is exactly why the Constitution must be interpreted as is according to original intent. Opinions are one thing, but acting on them in an official capacity against the Constitution is another.”

Al Gore thought Adams was betraying his country, but turned his attention to Obama in praise, saying he was just like Lincoln in his powerful ability to inspire hope in the future at a time of impasse. Continuing, he added, “Today we know the world isn’t flat. If you would have had the Internet in the 1700s, you would have been able to inform everyone about that much more quickly; but you could not have possibly anticipated the Internet or our need to go green in this round world for creating a safer environment and more jobs.”

Adams asked, “Go green?” Al Gore sighed as he looked at Obama who signalled a stop sign to Biden; but it was Howard Dean who got the jump as he popped up with, “Yes, green or blue. Anything but red. Better dead than red!…oh….uh…no offense.”

Obama blinked his eyes slowly before he reacted, “I think you need to be a little more inclusive, Howard, and a little more careful. I understand you are still exuberant about defeating the symbolic color red with your 57-state strategy, but we need to tackle the problem at hand. I have proposed bold initiatives to put America on the path to a clean and secure energy future. I support implementation of a bold market-based cap-and-trade system to reduce dependence on foreign oil and nonrenewable, polluting sources of energy. I will also dramatically increase federal investment in advanced clean-energy technologies and energy efficiency. My plan to create an energy independent America will cut U.S. oil consumption by 2.5 million barrels of oil per day, take 50 million cars worth of pollution off the road, and save American consumers more than $50 billion at the gas pump. To save even more of our limited resources, I also suggest they avail themselves of the free air which fits into their tires.

I believe that we have a responsibility to our children to leave this earth better than we found it. My plan will drastically reduce greenhouse gas emissions, and turn the global warming crisis into a moment of opportunity for innovation and job creation. I will restore America’s promise of a clean and beautiful environment by cleaning up our air and water, building healthier communities with fewer toxins, and preserving our forests and other national treasures. I will make sure that our environmental laws and policies balance America’s need for a healthy, sustainable environment with economic growth.”

Howard Dean applauded, “Here here! This is a struggle of good and evil. And we’re the good. The Constitution is all that stands between us and people we’re fighting against, those who want to poison our heritage in order to have growth. As the Bill of Rights is simply a legal technicality, I’d rather stand with the President than be right. Give me a greener environment and a cooler climate or give me death! uh….er… offense.”

Before this meeting, the SG’s did not think anyone would claim man had control over the climate. They concluded amongst themselves that these leaders were rutterkins who wanted to rob the people of money for a cause that didn’t exist. In order for them to succeed in such mischief, the Obama crew would have to chip away at the Constitution and the liberty it provides. As the SG’s vanished, Thomas Jefferson parted with these words, “In questions of power, then, let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution.”

Obama was relieved they were leaving and answered, “Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection…..” Before he could finish, his attention was diverted to the fly which had a distinctive patriotic stripe down his back. Obama in suspicion watched him jet away and whispered a vow that the fly would soon meet his day of reckoning with one swat. Wistfully, he added, “If only the Constitution were so easy to destroy.”

No comments:

Post a Comment

Blog Archive

About Author of This Blog